Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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