Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
