I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize