I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize