so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
