He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
