I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
