she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
