ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
