Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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