Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
