Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
