Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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