im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
