i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
