i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
