How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Randomize
