he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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