I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
