I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
