He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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