dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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