She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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