he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
