I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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