goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
