I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
