speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I forget how to act sober
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
