i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize