So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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