I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
