Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
