Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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