Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
