Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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