pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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