i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
