Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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