I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
