Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
