good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
