mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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