Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
