i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Randomize
