How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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