I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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