I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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