I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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