Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
