i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize