So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
