also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
