Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
