Your tits are I can't wait for
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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