Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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