When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
