dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
