Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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